Smack Talk: That Team Up North Edition

(Written by The Fake Lantern)

We got on the smack talk train the week of Northwestern and haven’t been able to get off since. This week, that train’s derailing at absolutely unsafe speeds. We disliked our other victims, but we HATE that team up north. So despite the regular season approaching its station of perfect completion, it’s full speed ahead for hate week. In fact, to quote another former great one who is now nothing but a total disaster, “We can’t stop; we won’t stop.”

Dearest michigan,

That’s how far you’ve fallen, wolverines. You’re nothing but a late-to-the-party Miley Cyrus metaphor lazily written into a pathetic satirical newspaper. You only have the spotlight today because of what your father did, because of the michigan teams of yore. But now you’re suggestively waving a flimsy foam finger around as if to indicate that you’re actually number one, and frankly it looks ridiculous. No matter how hard you try, your days of stepping off the plane at LAX with a dream of smelling roses are longgone. You’re no longer a wrecking ball. You’re just a wreck.

But the worst part is: you didn’t realize it at first. Of course, there’s no denying the worthlessness of a 7-4 team (bowl eligible at least!). But, as this season got rolling, you played along with the geniuses over at BTN and lauded the talent of your quidereceiverback as if he had talent. You actually thought this would be a great year for him! Sure he runs quickly; but he also folds under pressure quickly and turns the ball over several times a game quickly. Not to call you unintelligent, but that’s all Gardner ever did last year, idiots.

But it’s not just him. It’s not even close to being just him. Your entire team reeks of terrible management and pathetically poor leadership. Your butterball coach even admits a need to improve his coaching but won’t admit that winning now (or even winning in the near future) is simply not possible. His team’s demise is the one item he refuses to swallow.

But swallow it or not, michigan, you’re still on your knees. So prepare for your execution. It’s over. You’re over. You remind us every year that you have the most wins in college football history. But now that’s all you are (history). You also remind us every year that you lead the all-time series against Ohio State, and nothing can take that away from you — except for one more decade-and-a-half like the last one. But while we enjoy the present, feel free to live it up celebrating those old-timey, leather-headed, 19th century footballing victories. Seriously, not a single human who was alive during your first win over OSU is alive now. But it’s not like we disregard history. We won’t pretend we aren’t proud of the fact that Ohio State actually leads the series over the last 50 years, or measured in words: the amount of time since people actually began caring about football. There’s not a problem with holding your history up over everyone’s heads. We do it all the time. But there’s a difference between being proud of your tradition of excellence and being caught wishing you were in the past while you swing back and forth on your porch rocking chair trying to forget that you’re 2-4 over your last 6. We’ve been great and we’re still great. Youwere great but now you’re in a state of undeniably longterm disrepair. So shut your filthy blue vermin mouths. Just stop talking. You are terrible. You are worthless. And you need to just realize that.

No matter when, where, or how it’s measured, your team’s got nothing on us anymore. Our coach is better. Our campus is better. Our players are better. Our recruiting is better. Our band’s better. Our basketball team is better. Our colors are better — not even a michigan man can pull off wearing the colors of mold-covered cat puke.

So change out of that maize and blue and get ready to be dazed and confused, because you’re probably still not used to what is about to happen in your own house. Laughable as it seems, Brady Hoke has only lost one game in michigan Stadium. But this year’s Buckeyes will be the first quality B1G team the Big House has seen since the Hoke era waddled into existence three years ago.

The home field advantage simply isn’t going to cut it this time, michiganders. First of all, don’t think your stadium will be pure michigan this time. Expect a whole bunch of ketchup amid that nasty mustard. Expect Hang on Sloopy to have a stronger presence than Taylor Lewan’s dirty rendition of Twist and Shout. Expect these, too: Fitz Toussaint will be throwing a tantrum or two by the second quarter, and Devin Gardner will be tending to the grass for the entire afternoon. Deny it all you want, TTUN, but we wear the gold pants in this relationship. What we want to happen is going to happen. But keep hoping that it won’t, if that makes you feel better. Keep hoping that Hoke is the answer (he is not). Keep praying for another OSU “scandal” (that’s the next time you’ll beat us). And keep rooting for blue (the color of sadness and choking).

We’d like to say, “see you in Ann Arbor” with the rest of our fan base, but we’d also prefer to not visit a horrible place. We’ll say hello to your little brother for you in the championship though.

Go Bucks and michigan still sucks,

The Fake Lantern


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