Player Hater’s Fall: Week 3

Week 3 is in the books, and I’m confident when I say that this was collectively one of the worst football weeks I’ve ever encountered. Let’s look at college football (Week 4, I know). I can say with 100% we will never see more blowouts in a single Saturday ever again…unless of course you choose to stay at the Jersey shore for a weekend (and who in the eff would do that?) Vegas sportsbooks lit up the city with spreads you’d think belonged to the women’s college basketball tournament, and everyone somehow covered.

Excuse me, the Washington Redskins defense refused to cover anyone for a third week in a row.

The NFL didn’t disappoint everyone necessarily, but it certainly brought me to tears. In one single week I managed to go from winning my fantasy football matchup to losing on a Monday Night Football 4th quarter fumble, lost in my survivor league, (spoiler alert) went 3-6 combined in my pick’em and guarantees combined, and went 0-3 in my NFL wins league (10 people league, each drafts three teams. Most total wins at the end of the season wins the pool). I’ve seen better days (and no, I haven’t been the star of many plays…although I was Little Big Nose in Peter Pan in like 2nd grade, killed it). But these kinds of days bring the best hate out of anyone.

Dennis Allen

The Raiders have shown great improvement this year as they actually show some enthusiasm on the field and they don’t average 100 yards per game in penalty yards, but they are still a couple years away. You typically can’t win in the NFL if you can’t draft as evident by the Raiders 1st round picks from the last 13 years. Want a good laugh? Go ahead and click here to take a look at Oakland’s drafts. Deplorable.

Pay especially close attention to 2000. Yes, that’s Sebastian Janikowski drafted in round one. A kicker. (End laughing) Joke’s on you guys. He’s been the Raiders best player over the last 13 years.

Let me take to the end of the second quarter on Monday Night Football. The Broncos are up 27-7. The Raiders have the ball at their own 20 yard line, two timeouts left, and :19 remaining in the half. I’m joking with my roommates (but not really) about the possibility of the Raiders getting to midfield for Janikowski to attempt a 67 yard field goal in Denver’s thin air. What happens? Raiders get the ball to midfield with :05 left.

Janikowski takes one last kick into the net, grabs his helmet and starts jogging toward the sideline. I’m all fired up, ready for the best moment of the last ten years. What does Dennis Allen do? Sends the offense back out for a Hail Mary to only result in a sack. Nice call, asshole. The ONE thing Raiders fans have had to look forward to in years and you ruined it. Did you actually think you were going to not only convert on the Hail Mary but win the game? Loser.

One man, one decision, one dream crushed. I hate you Dennis Allen.

Minnesota Vikings

The Browns?! At home?! Really?! If you read my NFL preview, you know that I’ve never had high hopes for the Vikings this year, but COME

Sam Steele is a complete babe

Sam Steele is a complete babe

ON. THE BROWNS?! Brian Hoyer?! (Is there a worse combo than Cleveland and Sparty by the way?)

If you haven’t guessed by now, the Vikings were my survivor pick this week. Meanwhile the rest of the league I’m in went with Seattle. I’m sure they are all going to town on their accounts this weekend too. So bold.

Remember that Adrian Peterson 78 yard run that the Vikings had on their very first play of the year? Yea, me neither. Seems so long ago already, and here’s a fact for you to chew on a bit. Peterson is averaging less than three yards per carry since that carry. How’s that taste in your oatmeal, Minnesota? How scary is that? Adrian Peterson is averaging less than three yards per carry. Jesus Christ and the rest of the bible characters from last week’s article can’t help the Vikings if AD can’t carry the ball.

Two weeks. Two choke jobs. One man’s survivor league going down in flames. I hate you, Minnesota.

I love you Sam Steele.

New York Giants

There’s always next year New York. I’ll take the blame on this one for picking you as a playoff team this year. The Giants are 0-3, and that’s all she wrote. Only five teams in NFL history have ever made the playoffs after an 0-3 start, and after a little math, I’ve decided they’re not making the playoffs. I’ve actually mathematically established that I have a better chance of losing 30 pounds and landing an 8.5 by the end of Week 17. It’s math with a touch of science.

Did you see the shellacking that Cam Newton and Co. put on the Giants this weekend? The Giants put up 150 yards, total. But baby steps guys, at least they were only -1 in turnover differential this past week as apposed the -8 turnover margin in the first two weeks. How in the hell has the Giants season played out the way it has? Week 1: -5 TO margin, lose by five. Week 2: -3 TO margin, lose by 18. Week 3: -1 TO margin, lose by 38. I don’t even know how to begin to quantify this. More math.

It seems every year around this time we get into the conversation that Tom Coughlin is on the hot seat, and it’s about that time when the Giants stick it to all of us by going on an unruly tear through the league and win the Super Bowl. Cancel the season; the Giants are winning the Super Bowl. Get your bets in now. Still loving the Eli Manning stink face though, can’t get enough.

If you have hate in your heart, let it out. Tweet me at @_TC18_ and tell me what you hate and how I suck.


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