Football already, that was fast. We jump into week two and will get a boost with the return of the NFL as well. I will have a quick Steelers preview tomorrow and no we don’t care about your fantasy team. Please don’t tell me you need three points from Emmanuel Sanders to start 1-0. (You probably shouldn’t rely on any Steelers anyway.) Week two…

Thursday Night Drinking Schedule

830pm Ravens at Broncos NBC: At least the Orioles were big enough dicks to make the Ravens start their season on the road. Also the people of Denver freaking out about giant Joe Flacco posters all over their city has been entertaining as well so I guess the Ravens winning it all isn’t all bad. (Yes it is. Maybe if the Broncos played defense we wouldn’t be in this position. I will stop for everyones sake.)

Late Night Drinking: 10pm Sacramento State at ASU Pac 12 Network: If you have a drinking problem or college football problem or both stay up late and watch the Sun Devils dismantle some poor team.

Friday Night Drinking Schedule

8:15 Pirates at Cardinals Root Sports: The start of the last series of they year for the Buccos and Cards. As of this moment the Pirates are still in 1st place. I will write about them at some point but I don’t want to jinx anything. So close to a winning season people.

Late Night Drinking: 10pm USA vs Costa Rica beIn Sport. I will be back in Ann Arbor and hope to visit some old spots. It will be packed everywhere but I hope to show Rick’s some new moves since I have been away. Go America!

Saturday Morning/Day/Night Drinking Schedule

9am College Gameday: Live from Ann Arbor. No I won’t be there because going to Gameday is way overrated. Watching hungover on a couch is not.

Noon Florida at the U ESPN: I assume it is going to be insanely hot and Muschamp will be all kinds of fired up. For the U this win can be big for their program and Duke Johnson’s Heisman campaign. The Gators get Purifoy and Morrison back on D which makes them even more terrifying.

Flip the Remote:  US Open Tennis: Men’s Semis CBS: Some big names are left but unfortunately Federer is not his dominant self anymore.

330 pm Oregon at UVA ESPN2: Anytime you can watch the Ducks pull apart a fellow BCS conference team you do it. I am also looking forward to seeing the crowd shots of sad Virginia fans in suits.

Flip the remote: SDSU at OSU ABC: One eye on the enemy at all times.

430pm South Carolina at UGA ESPN: Congrats on your loss UGA now please go play the Gamecocks. Woof.

7pm Texas at BYU ESPN 2: Texas is going to leave the numbers on their helmets all year. It worked for Michigan in 2011 so maybe it will here. If they lose to BYU no one will care.

Flip the remote WVU at Oklahoma Fox: This does not figure to be the barn burner it was in 2012  but you might want to set your DVR for it just in case.

8pm Notre Dame at Michigan ESPN: Settle back and enjoy this game which usually entertains and makes little to no sense. Also look for me on TV as I will be the one dressed in Michigan colors.

Late Night Drinking: Hopefully some victory dancing and yelling at Kiffin as Wazzu plays at USC.

Sunday Hangover Schedule

NFL Games: I will be following the Steelers obviously but other intriguing games are Falcons/Saints at 1pm and the Packers/49ers game in the afternoon. There is a zero percent chance I stay up to watch Cowboys/Giants.

Flip the Remote: US Open Women’s Final CBS: A potential Azarenka-Williams final

Monday Funday Schedule

MNF Eagles at Redskins ESPN: If you are still going at this point you have a problem but I dig it. Most people are excited for RGIII but I am excited for Chip and his offense.

Flip the Remote: US Open Men’s Final CBS: A potential Nadal-Djok final.

(SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: DRINKING HEAVILY IS PROBABLY BAD FOR YOU. UNLESS YOUR TEAM IS LOSING THEN YOU ARE ENCOURAGED TO DRINK TO CHASE THE PAIN AND LONELINESS AWAY.)

See you next week.