Hi everyone. Remember me? I’m that guy that basically predicted the entire NFL season in a preseason article (update to come tomorrow) and landed you free money every week. I’m that guy that found any way possible to verbally poop all over your team each week. I’m that guy that karma finally caught up to.
December 8th, 2013. A day I’ll never forget. A day that will live in infamy for being the day that the corner of shame and sadness was developed at my house. A day I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy; I’m looking at you Tom Brady (unfortunately this won’t be the last time this dingleberry shows up in this article).
Let me preface the first part of this article by saying I HATE hearing about your fantasy football team. Honestly, I don’t care if you think getting Greg Jennings in the 11th round is a steal (by the way, how’d that work out for ya?) So that being said, you’re faced with a terribly difficult decision: you can skip the rest this article or you can continue reading and see how butthurt I got yesterday in fantasy football….amongst other things (knowing my friends, I expect 100% of them to choose butthurt and trust that it’s more than just fantasy football, other readers I anticipate about 79% butthurt and trust.)
In the really cool dynasty league that I’m in that you’ve heard about before, I won the championship last year and finished the regular season at 11-2. This year, more of the same. Regular season championship at 11-2 and averaging 186 points per game. Only one difference this year, something went wrong. Something went terribly wrong…and then the day snowballed.
12:00p (approximate times are in Central Time): Crack open up a beer and turn on NFL Network. For those of you who have NFL Network, does ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD get you more jacked up than the entrance music? Anyway, my NFL Network theme music boner still hadn’t settled before garbage ass Bobby Rainey breaks off an 80 yard TD run…on my opponent’s roster. Eh, it’s early.
12:01p: I learn that the Lions and Eagles are playing in a God damn blizzard. Not good for Calvin Johnson. Samuel L Jackson said it best (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaj3Hs74UCY)
12:25p: The Raiders continue to play miserably after leading me on for the first 10 weeks of the season and give up Geno Smith’s first TD pass since the World Series (I’m not lying, do something productive and look it up.)
12:38p: The Chiefs are already up 53 points on the Redskins, thus, Alfred Morris will do ABSOLUTE NOTHING.
12:55p: Adrian Peterson eats the bones and goes out of the game. He’s on my opponent’s team giving me the only hope I’d be faced with all day in any aspect of life.
1:15p: The asshole Jets block a Raiders punt and return it for a TD to go up 17 at halftime. This instantly prompts me to get up for the first time since the noon slate started to go ahead and cross out Oakland on the roommate NFL Pick’em board.
1:35p: Marcel Reece scampers 60+ yards on the Raiders opening possession for a TD and I finish my beer. Thinking somewhat positively, I log into ESPN.com for the first time in about an hour to check on the fantasy score knowing full well my team is blowing hard. The score is still manageable at 61-29.
1:45p: Lamar Miller dies.
1:46p: Today has quickly turned into a frozen ‘za and ice cream situaish. Walked down the street to Walgreens to pick up some quick goodies for the afternoon. Some good ole comfort food.
1:55p: Big deal on Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, two for $6. Pick up two Half Baked pints, naturally. De-lish thick cut pepperoni pizza, two for $8. Boom. Things are looking up. Get home and realize they charged me full price on the Ben and Jerry’s. The worst.
2:10p: Start to pre-heat the oven and decide to check the fantasy score. Somehow, I’m now down 110-29. How in the fuck did that happen? The answer is LeSean McCoy. LeSean McCoy, everybody.
2:15p: Gronk dies. He’s on my team and quite frankly it’s the only reason I care. I then guarantee my roommates there’s no chance the Patriots lose this game.
2:50p: I burn the shit outta the roof of my mouth with De-lish thick cut pepperoni ‘za.
3:10p: Raiders officially lose.
3:15p: Julian Edelman scores a TD. I remind my roommates that the Patriots have zero percent chance of losing this game.
3:17p: The Patriots get the onside kick.
3:18p: The Patriots get the game handed to them by the officials. Tony gets diabetes handed to him by De-lish.
3:30p: Time to check the fantasy team and see how much ground Peyton, Russ Wilson, Gore, Julius Thomas, Zac Stacy and Brandon Marshall have to make up. Remember around 1:35p when I had 29 points? Back to current 3:30p time. I now have 28 points. HOW IN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? I had seven guys going, and I shit you not, those seven JABRONIES combined for -1 point in the second half of the first slate of games.
4:55p: The Broncos are driving with limited time left in the first half. Having rooted for this moment every Sunday for the past 10 years with the Jan Man, I know Denver is only one quick out away from a record FG attempt.
4:56p: The Jan Man is officially wiped clean of the NFL record book by some rudy-poo Bronco asshole. THE WORST
4:57p: If there’s ever been a time for Ben and Jerry’s this is it…sale price or full price. Can’t wait to indulge in this Half Baked heaven.
5:15p: I’m done with my first Ben and Jerry’s session and bring it to the kitchen. Walk back into the living room only to realize that I’ve put the spoon in the freezer….and my pint of ice cream in the dishwasher.
From this point on, I just figured it’d be best to lie down on the couch and not do anything the rest of the night until bed, and that’s exactly what happened. Didn’t even watch Homeland. Didn’t even check my other fantasy leagues.
How could such an incredible Championship Saturday be followed by such a miserable, shitty, steaming pile of monkey shit Sunday?
Karma. That’s how. This is what you get when you’re job is to hate on everyone and everything for the first half of the season. F.
P.S. I lost my fantasy match up.