Dear Michigan Fan –

It’s me, your mortal enemy. The irrational, brass meathead Ohio State fan that you know and love who would stop at nothing to see you suffer.

What’s worse: knowing that your football team totally sucks (still) or that your greatest foe doesn’t (and hasn’t) feel threated by anything that you represent? Your once threatening powerful football team is now the butt of a bunch of excellent and terrible jokes that end with “and then I said…Michigan sucks”…”Yeah F@#k Michigan” (Stan Marsh’s best impersonation of a red neck Ohio State fan would sound like in this joke).

Confident? Oh yeah, thanks to you I am confident in every situation. Why should I be confident on the eve of what could be a fresh start for your football team to end the season with?

Since me personally joining the club and claiming allegiance, thy friendship has been strong:

• 6-1 versus Michigan 
  • #1 Ohio State 42 vs. #2 Michigan 39
  • 4 double digit victories
  • Completion to 12-0 season
  • 4 in-person victories
• Experiencing three UM head coaches, each one following suit to be worse than the last if you look at it from a career regression at UM (Lloyd Carr, Rich Rodriguez, Brady Hoke)
• One $30 ticket to the greatest game of the rivalry in its 116 year rivalry
• 4 undergrad Mirror Lake jumps and 4 undergrad Michigan Victories

By no means is that a lifetime achievement award for being an OSU fan and bringing victories over Michigan. But it’s a great start. I can’t comment on whether or not I know rivalries of this magnitude to be so one lopsided last forever. The Yankees/Red Sox, Celtics/Lakers, Bears/Packers, Duke/UNC, all have their back and forth. No rivalry becomes a rivalry from one team sucking all this time. So you have to have been good once right? Well, that’s a laugh because I’ve never seen it and don’t think your wide receiving quarterback will have it in him to do it this year.

Dear Michigan Fan –

It’s me, the rational Ohio State fan that you see at all times when I’m “Michigan fan facing”. I’m honest about my team. You can tolerate me because I’m rationale and I respect what you represent. It’s the debt that I owe to your fan base as my grandfather did win team MVP of your prestigious team once.

So tell me, what’s wrong guys? At one point in the season you were 5-0 and everyone thought we’d be going back-to-back this weekend and next. No you’ve lost four of your last six. You almost even lost to Jim Tressel again when Akron should have upset you in week 3. Here’s a few things I’ve noticed that can help you improve:

• Wide receivers aren’t meant to be quarterbacks, let alone elite quarterbacks…and… they aren’t supposed to wear #98 no matter what the tradition.
• Head coaches are supposed to wear headsets to hear everything that’s going on in the game. If you don’t how are you supposed to know what’s going on?
• You aren’t supposed to have double digit negative rushing yards in back to back weeks with a top round draft pick on your line and a senior running back.
• You pay your coordinators big money, you should expect better results than John Shoop did with the Bears.

If it makes you feel any better, I wish you were good this year too. I wish this had an “Alabama at Auburn” or “Stanford vs. Oregon” feel to it you know? I mean our BCS ratings could really use it.  The Big 10 kind of needs you to at least be respectable, FYI. It seems like every year our performance and our pal’s Wisconsin performance is getting criticized because you suck and well, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having to defend why we keep winning and the teams we play aren’t any good.

Just so you know, I wrote this before the game in 2013 so whatever the result on Saturday is I truly don’t know. Do I expect a win, yes, but I can never tell this week.

But I have printed out a hard copy of this letter and sent it in the mail to you on the Monday after the game because I want to leave you with a message that resonates with anyone that has a soul: I am not mad at you, I’m just disappointed…

GO BUCKS 

Jake