Player Hater’s Fall: Week 2

Week 2 of the NFL is in the books and every team in the AFC West has a win. Congratulations to anyone who had that prediction. And by congratulations, I mean congratulations on being the world’s worst liar. As a lifelong Raiders fan, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the opportunity to rip on the likes of the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers but the opportunity just hasn’t arisen. As stupid as it sounds, I’m almost disappointed I haven’t had a chance to rip on my Raiders yet either. Like any good father does, criticize others’ kids because they suck but criticize your own more because he’s a champion damn it.

So that being said, it’s been tough to think of a theme this week. I was POSITIVE by now the AFC West would be a shoe-in for Player Hater’s Fall. Wrong. What a bind. Where to go for insight and suggestions in such a difficult situation? Then it hit me, what do most others do when in such confusion and turmoil? They do something I’ve never done, and that friends, is go to the Bible for answers. God, or Jesus (or whoever) didn’t disappoint. There it was, Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers up all offense.” Boom, topic. Let’s hate.

Washington Redskins

If love covers up all offenses, the Redskins might want to consider ridding themselves of Jim Haslett and hiring Pope Francis. Holy crap is this defense bad. Two games into the young season and the Redskins have allowed an astronomical 1,023 yards on defense (311ypg passing, 201ypg rushing) already. You know how many games it’d been since the Packers had a 100 yard rusher before James Starks put up 132 yards on Washington Sunday? 44 games; almost three full seasons. Yea, THAT long. Ouch.

Lots of hate directed towards RGIII from the Washington fan base for the bad start. That hate seems extremely undeserving, and I’m about to pull my best Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliot and put that hate down, flip it and reverse it on you. By half way through the 2nd quarter of the Packers game the Redskins defense had already allowed 24pts and given up 268 yards. Ironically enough, in Week 1, the Eagles had gained exactly 268 yards in the first 22:30 of that game too, and the Redskins found themselves in an early deep deficit. RGIII thrives off of the element of surprise, spreading the field with both the run and pass leading to play action pass. If he’s constantly chasing points half way through the second quarter with the other team fully knowing he needs to pass, forget it. You might as well put some kryptonite shoes over those superman socks.

Not sure how Jim Haslett still has a job

Not sure how Jim Haslett still has a job

D.C., if you need to point the blame at anyone, it’s Haslett and his defense. Me? I have no rooting interest except RGIII is one of my QBs in fantasy football and him needing to throw the ball 30+ times is lovely especially during soft zones in garbage time. He’s quickly becoming the 2013’s version of Carson Palmer with five points at halftime and 22 points by game’s end, and that’s just fine with me….and oh yeah, he may or may not have ripped up his knee nine months ago. Just saying.

Jacksonville Jaguars

What kind of Bible themed NFL article would this be if I didn’t mention TIM TEBOW (I’m available fulltime, ESPN)! How bad of a team do you have to be at this point to have all 48 of your fans to hold a rally on a Monday afternoon outside of the stadium they don’t even go to on Sundays demanding Tim Tebow? Granted the Jaguars have only averaged 213 yards per game thus far, but let’s get serious. How can you even begin to call yourself an NFL fan if you’re demanding Tebow?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Tim Tebow the guy. But Tebow the QB? Guy sucks, period. The only thing that’s worse than Tim Tebow playing QB is his delusional fans. I’ve never heard a collection of more irrational thoughts and arguments about a single topic in my life. He gets carried into the playoffs by one of the NFL’s best defenses with an 8-8 record out of the NFL’s worst division. The Broncos do everything they can to replace him. He goes to the Jets and can’t start over Mark Sanchez. He’s cut by the Jets, picked up by the Patriots, and cut again because he’s not even good enough to be 3rd string in New England. How can you begin to justify your argument that your team should sign him to be your STARTING QB?! Give me a damn break. You did see how Tebow throws the ball when he was at Florida right?

I just imagine Jacksonville has TVs, I can’t know for sure.

New England Patriots

I really don’t have anything that ties the Patriots to this week’s theme other than Boston people pronounce God like “Gawd,” and I think that’s stupid.

So there’s that.

Anyway, the Patriots look pretty bad. Sure, they are 2-0, but did you imagine in your wildest dreams that they would struggle to beat the Bills and Jets their first two weeks against two rookie quarterbacks? I know I didn’t. I really don’t know what to make of their defense because, again, it was the Bills and Jets, and their offense is a hot mess right now. Watching Brady struggle the way he did on Thursday night was extremely strange to see, but oh so gratifying.

Tom Brady cries like a baby, but somehow goes unnoticed consistently

Tom Brady cries like a baby, but somehow goes unnoticed consistently

In all seriousness though, how does he get away with screaming at his teammates all night and acting like a complete baby the way he did? I understand his frustrations with the drops and missed opportunities with his young receivers, but you’re the team leader who needs to mentor these kids. I hate Jay Cutler to the high heavens, but if that was him cursing out his teammates like that it would be all over the news about how much of a baby he is and how he’s immature, and how he hates puppies. Somehow, someway Brady always seems to get the free pass, and I assume it’s because every is fearful of his ties to the Somali pirates.

Not on my watch Tom. I think you’re an asshole. A tremendous asshole. In fact, you are the devil. There. There is your bible reference. I did it.


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