Week 1 of the NFL regular season is now in the books so naturally it’s time to over analyze the shit out of everything and pretend that we know everything there is to know about all 32 teams in the NFL. While I encourage you to attempt and troll on all 32 NFL teams (and good luck with trolling the Broncos: Jesus, Mary and Joseph they are absolutely terrifying), I’m going to carefully choose my victims every week and rip to shreds those most deserving of hate. Ahhhh hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Have you ever seen Superbad? Of course you have. Remember the scene on the bus when the bum sees McMuffin and challenges the three young whippersnappers for the booze and the Goldslick Vodka goes crashing to the ground? The emotion on display from both Michael Cera’s and Jonah Hill’s faces as the bottle hits the bus floor is exactly how I envisioned the entire Steelers team looked when Pouncey got injured. It just completely sucked the life out of the team.

195 total yards? MY GOD. The offensive line makes or breaks any team in the NFL, but it’s typically even more important to the Steelers year in and year out with their ground and pound attack. A pathetic 32 rushing yards and five sacks isn’t going to cut it (granted Big Ben’s six second pocket presence doesn’t help that stat). But, Isaac Redman? Have a day pal. Eight carries for nine yards with a lost fumble. I’m almost positive if I played in an NFL game with an NFL offense even I could average 1.1 yards a carry, give or take the fumble. Joke’s on me for starting Redman on my fantasy squad and joke’s on him if any NFL squad is willing to give me eight touches.

I’m immediately regretting that whole “the Steelers are going to have a 10-6 record and a playoff appearance this year” part of my season preview. The season is young, but making the Titans defense look like an impenetrable force while playing at Heinz Field is not promising. But hey, all three dudes presumably bang pretty hot chicks at the end of Superbad, so who knows?

Dallas Cowboys

Enjoy the win now Dallas because it’s downhill from here. If anyone truly believes that Tony Romo only got the wind knocked out of him on that sandwich hit he took right before the end of the first half then I’ve got some volcano insurance to sell you. I, like many of you, have had the wind knocked out of me and by no means did it ever cause me to noticeably wince when throwing a football 20 minutes later. Now we’re hearing that Dez Bryant may have the new trendy NFL injury with an aggravated lisfranc. What a huge blow to the Cowboys and the fantasy squad.

But let’s focus on the real issue here. The Giants turned the ball over SIX times in this game (yes, I know one was to end the game). So let’s say not including the last drive’s interception, the Cowboys had a +4 turnover differential for the game, and yet, they still almost lost the game. I was POSITIVE once Eli Manning got his hands on the ball on that last drive that the Cowboys were somehow going to lose that game. Was certain of it, but the miracle of overcoming five turnovers (at the time) was too much.

This game was a case of the Giants losing the game more than the Cowboys winning the game, no questions about it. Typical Cowboys fashion. As much as I was rooting for a Cowboys collapse, an Eli Manning stink face is always a solid consolation prize.

THE ENTIRE AFC NORTH

We’ve already talked about the Steelers, but for what I considered to be one of the toughest divisions in football pre-season, they had an atrocious Week 1. The Browns, albeit improve but still not a contender, put up a stinker at home against a Miami team that is in the same boat. Just not a fun game to watch; painful at best.

The Ravens narrowly escaped their own section of this article for only one reason: Peyton Manning. Even so, the defending Superbowl champions getting drubbed by 22 and allowing 510 total yards is inexcusable. Say what you want about Ray Lewis, but that guy is a true leader. If I’m John Harbaugh, I might be a little worried that my new “leader” on defense wants to be called ‘Hacksaw’ and went to Ball So Hard University.

Certainly we cannot leave the Bengals out of the discussion. The Bengals, too, would have their own section this week but the Cowboys outshined them in trying to lose a game more. Unlike the Cowboys, the Bengals succeeded in handing their game away on a silver platter. This marks the second time in two years that the Bears have beat the Bengals; this being the first time on the field and the other being last year when the Bears signed Michael Bush and the Bengals signing BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Man does that guy suck. Giovanni Bernard should be taking the majority of snaps in Cincinnati very, very soon.